


of thirteen years

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: a fucked up teen wrote this some years ago, i'm sorry it's dark she was in so much pain, kind of a diary?, read these
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 17:51:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16269317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "this is the journey ofsurviving through poetrythis is the blood sweat tearsof twenty-one yearsthis is my heartin your handsthis isthe hurtingthe lovingthe breakingthe healing" -Rupi Kaur





	1. pain

**Author's Note:**

> this is a collection of 'entries' made by a teenager, started when she was thirteen and is still being written years later.   
> she was hurting. real bad. she had abusive ass parents that knew she was suffering and never got her help, so her mental health spiraled until she believed she was too damaged beyond repair. she's an extrovert, because being alone is when she hurts the most. please read her, accept her, and relate to her.

i physically hurt sometimes. not from injuries, though. i've found that emotional hurt is greater, because sometimes it never heals. it's always there. when you hear a certain song, smell a certain scent, whether a candle or your friend's perfume, it may always remind you of something that happened in the past that you would rather stay buried. it doesn't always apply to only bad memories, either. it can be good memories that just make you feel weird when you think about them.


	2. love

i love so hard. i put all my energy and all my thoughts and all my time and all my affection into someone who gives me no energy and no thought and no time and no affection at all. my head knows that's not fair, all for nothing, but my heart says "fuck you you're too messed up to listen to anymore" to my brain.   
i think i deserve love. i just think humans suck and nobody will like me because of the way i look. fuck this small minded suffocating predominantly white community who judges me because i don't conform to their bland bullshit. gimme a state where i can be fat and someone will still love me. does such a place exist?


	3. truth

why cant people understand that sugarcoating the truth only hurts me more and stresses me more out than just knowing the truth.   
when i was young, i never got to believe in santa. i never got to believe that babies came from storks, or the tooth fairy takes your teeth and leaves money in its place. My parents were very bitter and ruined my life because they believed you shouldn't pretend with your kid. they believed kids should be grown up at a young age and face reality before they can even go to pre-school. i grew up with the truth, i live with the truth. unlike the shitty af white kids in this shitty af small town


	4. jealousy

It's not fair when you're in a relationship with someone who's close to your mutual friend. every fight is like a 2 versus 1, it's always them against me, he always forgives her when he's mad and not me, he'll always comfort her when she's sad because she's important but when i'm sad he'll view my depressing 1 am snapchat posts and not ask me if i'm okay. he will ask her over and over if she's okay and even show up to her house but he hasn't talked to me in hours because he's pissed that i brought up the fact that he will always care/do more for her than me and i can't compete. he's always calling her and sitting near here. he treats her better than her own boyfriend does and i can't get his attention for shit. somebody tell me why it's important for her to not be sad but i've been living with depression for years and he has never asked me if i'm okay. (edit: i sound like a pissy bitch here)


	5. secrets

i think my brother hears me sobbing late at night, because sometimes he randomly tells me he doesn't want me to die


	6. losing you

i haven't written here in 3 months. here's a summary of what's happened since then: i made friends with a girl that Liam* (my crush) was intimate with frequently, i realized i don't know Liam* at all, asked him out via Snapchat late one night while camping, he said yes to me 3 days later, we broke up 3 weeks later, i still dream about him, i became an alcoholic, i want cuddles but i have nobody.   
it's funny. i wanted him so badly for 7 months, then lost him in 3 weeks. i'm just that awful. (i turned fourteeeen)

*name is changed


	7. soulmate

he's my soulmate. doesn't that explain why i can't get over him and why i find myself bored/uninterested with anyone else? is it possible to not be your soulmate's soulmate?


	8. beginning

the night Liam* and i started dating:  
it was 11 pm. his dad said he needs to be home by 11:30 so we walked to his house at 11. we were at my house cuddling all day. i stayed over there until like 12:50 am. i was supposed to walk back by myself so he gave me a knife. instead, he walked me all the way back to my house.   
on the walk to his house, i suddenly stopped on the sidewalk and he stopped next to me. he dropped what he was holding so he could wrap his arms around me. i wanted to ask him to kiss me but i was too nervous so i texted him it.  
"will you kiss me"  
"yes and my answer to going out with you is also a yes"  
sooo then he kissed me and we walked to his house where Wyatt* (his brother) insulted and assaulted me lmfao.  
apparently his dad was mad that he came home so late lol


	9. hope

i'm holding on to so much hope for my relationship with Liam*, but my head knows we're not gonna happen again.


	10. liar

For the past like 3 weeks or so, i've been going to Liam's everyday. we cuddle, and kiss, and he gives me hickeys. he told me that he's not ready to date again because all of his relationships turned to shit no matter how much he loved them. so on a friday one of my friends sends me a pic of Liam* cuddling with this girl (his ex), Cleo*. on the following saturday, i went to hangout with me and Liam's mutual friend, Rosa*. his best friend, Rosa* showed me texts where he says he wants to date, just not me. he just doesn't wanna date me. and that's cool and all but he lied to me. and i hate liars. apparently he also said that the only reason he's not dating Cleo* is because she's 13 and he's 16 and he doesn't wanna be called a pedophile. i honestly didn't care that much, and i was really proud that i didn't care that much.


	11. happy (not for long)

i've been trying to be a better person lately. i'm happy. i support my friends. i do not insult them. i do not have a shit-ton of mood swings. i don't randomly block people out of nowhere. i sleep and eat regularly. i do my schoolwork. i show kindness. i help. but now, the dark thoughts, the sadness, the insane-ness, the violence, they have no outlet. so they get bottled up. and they haunt me at night or when i'm alone. all the self-hate, anguish, and craziness are amplified because i don't let them take up space in my mind during the day anymore. i can't stop them at night.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me at [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/adriennefields)


End file.
